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Writer's pictureShay Clark Coaching

Conservative Christian to Liberal Agnostic: Becoming a Non-Traditional Relationship Therapist



Is isn't easy to be different in a world constantly sending the message we need to be a certain version of an ideal, we aren't good enough as we inherently are, and we should conform to norm to be deserving of acceptance and love. My story is one of leaving the safe path and building the life, relationships, and community where I feel so completely accepted as my authentic self that I do not feel the need to act a certain way or bend to the rules and traditional norms of those long dead. I was raised in the southern United States in the "Bible Belt" into a family of conservative, gun-carrying republicans. The concept of having sex before marriage, being anything except heteronormative, or not going to church on Sunday mornings were unthinkable. From a very young age, I knew that I was not allowed to be "myself." I felt guilty for masturbating. I thought I was doomed to hell because I was attracted to girls sometimes. I became a master of omitting my personal beliefs from conversations and learned to parrot what my father and grandfather said from the pulpit three times per week: Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night. Every week. Every year. For 18 years.

I dressed the way I was told, for fear of "what my grandfather might say if he sees me," learning that wearing a tank top or short shorts was sinful and wrong and that my body is something to keep covered. No adult ever talked to me directly about sex other than not to do it, because it is a sin. I didn't even know that "the pill" existed until I took a health class in university. It wasn't that I hadn't paid attention in high school, as I was an honor student that graduated at the top of my class. Content about sexual health in terms of safe sex was not taught, other than abstinence. I knew ALL ABOUT abstinence. There was a card in my wallet with an abstinence oath that I had been given in a health class at my public high school and pressured to sign by my teacher.


I began dating in high school, and I was an ignorant "goody goody" who (for the most part) did what the adults at church taught her and who believed God was always watching everything she ever did. During university, I began reading various philosophers and discussing religion, ethics, and generally (finally) deeply questioning everything I had been taught in my small, conservative hometown. After having a few fairly healthy and longterm romantic relationships, I began realizing that though I really enjoyed and deeply loved my partner; I still found many other people very attractive and interesting and longed to get to know them in more ways than minor chit chat. It often hurt to not allow myself to flirt and feel free to love someone else. Life was a careful dance, where I was careful not to hurt anyone's feelings or do anything "wrong".


Before I had ever heard the terms "polyamory", "ethical non-monogamy", or "open relationship" I knew that I wanted to live life on my own terms and love the way that felt most natural for me. None of these terms or topics had come up during my university studies for my degree in Psychology. My boyfriend and I, who had been dating in a monogamous relationships for four years, decided to open our relationships and stay together while also dating other people. For an emotionally excruciating year, I tried to figure things out in my open relationship through trial-and-error. Eventually, I discovered a book on polyamory and immediately felt seen and understood. This gold mine gave me non-monogamy specific relationship tools and skills, so I no longer needed to reinvent the wheel. Since then, I've read hundreds of articles and books, listened to countless podcasts, and sought and provided relationship advise to countless individuals and couples. There are few public examples of how to live a non-traditional monogamous relationship, and I have personally experienced and had heard many horror stories of people living in non-traditional relationships who had been shamed by therapists or who were working with psychologists with no practical knowledge or real world experience of ethical non-monogamy.


I want to help individuals leading this non-traditional lifestyles to create practical solutions, learn skills, and change perspectives to help them build the type of relationships and life that feels authentically right for them. I believe we can create a world where individuals can live, love, and communicate authentically without feeling pressured to hide their true selves or desires. My mission is to help you transform your life and relationships to help you have more freedom and less stress.


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